


Pity Party

by StellaPuella (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, God i hate my writing rip, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Jeremy is a sad boy, Michael is a good friend, One Shot, Short One Shot, angsty as fuck, chloe made bad choiced, everyone is sad, hopfully in character, how to : tag, todays-chloe-valentine, todays-jeremy-heere, todays-michael-mell, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 12:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16137566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/StellaPuella
Summary: Something happened at Jake's Halloween party last year and Jeremy really needs to talk to someone who won't treat him like he's about to shatter afterwards.





	Pity Party

**Author's Note:**

> This is to kinda conclude some stuff that's been happening over on the todays-jeremy-heere blog which I am the mod of, I like writing angst and this was a golden opportunity but you don't really need much context to get into this angsty piece of shit. 
> 
> (churned out in two days when I usually take months so not my best work but it ok)
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/todays-jeremy-heere

Jeremy burst into the Mell household and immediately bear hugged Michael who was waiting on the other side of the door. He shook against Michael’s chest and sputtered gibberish neither could understand, taking in the familiar feeling of the bright red hoodie Michael had had since freshman year. In his rush to escape his house Jeremy had forgotten anything warm, but Michael’s body heat quickly rid him of the stabbing feeling brought by the cold night air on his skin. The words of explanation he tried to form in his brain and were subsequently churned up in his throat, breathing felt like drowning and living felt like purgatory. Michael stiffened for a moment as he was met with his best friend in an anxious mess, what could he do? What the hell was wrong? What sounded like a distraught sob escaped Jeremy’s lips, snapping Michael immediately out of his concerned confusion, all attention placed on doing something to help his friend NOW. He wrapped his arms around Jeremy, holding him tight, no matter was wrong, he would protect him. They both stood in what would have been silence if there hadn't been the hyperventilating, choked noises of someone having a less than amazing day. 

Michael lightly hummed to Jeremy a soft improvised tune as they rocked back and forth, like they always did when one of them (usually Jeremy) was like this, but it hadn’t even been this bad during the divorce. Noticing the door still wide open, Michael tapped it lightly with his foot, just enough force to shut it. The whole neighbourhood didn't have to see his friend’s breakdown. Just the ‘click’ of the door locking was enough to startle Jeremy, making him jump and go quiet. His breathing was still audibly laboured and shaky. He didn't know whether he’d throw up or pass out.

 

Jeremy could feel Michael angling himself to look around the house, was someone home? He hoped not. Jeremy couldn’t let Michael’s moms see him like this. They’d tell his dad, then he’d have to tell his dad what’s wrong, and then his dad would know what a pathetic, stupid son he had. Jeremy’s breathing picked up. The world was tilting and distorting around him, he hugged Michael tighter for fear of fading away. He didn't want to fade away, he didn't want any of this he wanted to… well he didn't know what he wanted but he didn't want to be like this. How do you put out a fire when you're in a burning house? Watching yourself crumble felt like having your intestines ripped out, both comparable in how much it fucking hurts. Everything was painful, his head, his chest, his feet, his throat. Everything had been fine yesterday, he made plans with Michael, he joked with his friends, he even mustered up the courage to actually flirt back at Dustin. Then… then this happened. 

 

“Jeremy, are you okay dude?” Michael practically whispered in a soft voice. Jeremy opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was more sobbing. Michael muttered something Jeremy couldn't understand under his breath, probably something about how annoyed he was. Jeremy promised they’d have a fun time, look at glitches in games, make fun of their friends, just chill and relax and not deal with all of the bullshit waiting outside. Jeremy had ruined his best friend’s night. He ruined everything. He always had to ruin everything by making his friends worry. The last person who deserved anyone worrying for him was Jeremy Heere. Useless, stupid, pathetic. He began gasping for air, trying to cling to any form of oxygen. Jeremy curled the fabric of Michael’s hoodie in his fists, scrunching up more and more the louder his mind got. Michael didn't seem to mind. 

Jeremy was so stuck in his head that he barely noticed that Michael had already guided him across the hallway. He only noticed anything when he felt his feet leave the ground as Michael hoisted him over his shoulder. Jeremy’s mind immediately kicked into fight or flight. He started kicking and pushing and screaming between breaths as Michael did his best to carry him down the stairs. He needed to leave this wasn’t safe he didn’t want to be here he didn’t want this he didn’t want this he did not want this.

 

“NONONONONONONOPLEASENOPLEASENOPLEASE” were the first words Jeremy had said all night, they were a desperate attempt to reason with whatever demons were attacking him. They left his mouth in scream and sobs on repeat. A yell into an uncaring void, some pitiful attempt to bargain. If he was going to crumble away he was going to do so shrieking and clawing for that last scrap of life. All there was was the feeling of violation and fear as he was taken to god knows where. His through quickly went rough and course, he couldn’t breath and his ears were ringing. Jeremy was making enough noise to wake up the entire town but he didn’t care. The only thing on his brain was the urge to run as far as he could. The more he thrashed, the more Michael’s grip tightened, the more he needed to escape he needed to escape but he couldn’t move He was powerless, and weak. Weak, Pathetic, Stupid Jeremy. Everything hurt. Everything. He could barely even think as animal mind took over. They were moving quickly when he just wanted everything to be still, and calm.

Jeremy scratched at the back of Michael’s head and neck. Everything around him spun in a distorted darkness, almost in slow motion. It was disorientating. Adrenaline rushed through Jeremy’s veins, everything he did was powered by something that wasn’t him. He was just a puppet, it was like watching his own movements through a screen. 

 

In one moment of what would have seemed lucid if it weren't for the rest of his actions, Jeremy bought up his knee into Michael’s stomach and immediately began falling. He hit the ground, hard, his head felt like it was being crushed under someone’s tire, but he was free. Jeremy scrambled onto his feet and ran as fast as he could. Get out now. Before he knew it he was falling again. He had ran into something soft and face planted onto its surface, letting out a yelp. He was lying down, sprawled out and panicking. He pulled himself across, flailing and crying now silent tears. He didn’t want this. He didn’t, but his voice had become too worn out to say so, he was on mute. The spinning room around him didn't stop, if anything it got faster. He felt like he was climbing a mountain, some great explorer escaping from himself. Every move took so much effort, his limbs felt heavy and numb. Despite his everything telling him not to, Jeremy slowed down curled up into a little ball and gave up, crying into his arms, shaking and muttering small sounds of dejection and refusal quietly under his breath. The ringing in his ears died down in flashes and could decipher certain sounds around him. He could hear himself, being pathetic, and he could hear Michael, coughing and spluttering. 

 

“-er-my?” More winded choking sounds, “Jere-y a-e you ok?” Michael. He sounded in pain. What had he done?

 

Jeremy didn’t do anything to reply. The parts of Michael’s voice that were audible grounded him. He tried to control his breathing. In and out, in and out. It didn’t really work, but the world stopped spinning. He was still dizzy and exhausted, but he could think again. Then he remembered where he was. He had ran from his house to Michael’s so his dad would stop asking questions, Michael’s had carried him somewhere and now he was probably in the basement. He had just been taken to Michael’s fucking basement, why was he freaking out so much? He was safe. The surface he was on suddenly dipped, Jeremy jumped up and nearly fell off.  His eyes flew open to see it was just Michael who had sat down beside him. Not..… not her. They locked eyes. Michael’s was looking at him like he was a ticking time bomb, he wished he would stop looking at him like that. Jeremy started to cry into his hands but he could still feel Michael’s stare cutting like a knife. They sat in silence for a long while, neither of them knew what to say. The entire time Michael never moved closer, he was scared, Jeremy’s best friend was scared of him. Stupid. He assaulted his friend.

 

“M’sorry” Jeremy managed to squeeze out through his tears before choking back on everything else he wanted to say. He didn’t know how. 

 

“Hey it’s okay dude, are you alright?” Jeremy opened his mouth to speak but he just kept crying, the words were caught in his throat. Michael shuffled closer making Jeremy flinch back, Michael did the same.  

“Do you want me to get you some water?” Jeremy nodded and the couch quickly became level again. The door clicked shut and Jeremy could hear Michael walking up the stairs. The room was quiet, he felt like something was watching him. He usually loved it down there, but right now it was too dark and too cold when he wanted to be warm and happy. Jeremy just needed to think about anything other than….. just focus on breathing. He thumbed at the fabric of the couch. What was he meant to tell Michael? He couldn’t really even admit what happened to himself. 

 

_ You really are pathetic Jeremy. _

 

Great, fucking amazing. The perfect time for the squip to start talking. He wished he could take a knife and cut it out of his brain. Why did he ever have to take that thing? None of this would have happened without it, without him, and yet everyone still blamed Chloe. Jeremy didn’t blame her, of course he didn’t, but no one cared. They only cared that they had something to attack her with, Jeremy was just a bargaining chip in Jake and Chloe’s petty arguments. He hated people talking about it, all he wanted was to forget it ever happened. It’s not like he really deserved to blame anyone else anyway, he should’ve just been happy with what he had back when he was a loser. He had a great friend, who he’s now attacked, why wasn’t that enough? All he had ever done is make things worse for everybody. 

 

He should text Dustin, they hadn’t really been dating long but he seemed worried. Who wouldn’t be? His boyfriend had been avoiding touching him for days and the last time they spoke Jeremy acted scared of him. He patted his pockets but low and behold, he had forgotten his phone, so with no distractions and no one to talk to other than a psychopathic computer, he hugged his knees and waited for Michael to come back.

 

When Michael returned, it was with a huge blanket and a glass of water. He didn't talk as he came in, just put the glass on the floor next to Jeremy and placed the blanket between them. Jeremy wiped his face and picked up the glass, taking a sip before placing it back on the ground, Michael had just gone out of his way to get it for him, he wasn’t going to be rude. They stared at each other expectantly, each waiting for the other to start the conversation neither wanted. Jeremy couldn't meet Michael’s eyes, he looked anywhere and everywhere else. As he was looking he noticed something dripping down Michael’s neck, something red. Blood. His eyes went wide, he had cut him. He did that. Jeremy was a piece of shit. He couldn’t take his eyes away, Michael obviously noticed Jeremy staring because he suddenly put his hand up to the back of his neck, flinching when he touched warm liquid. Their eyes met, both holding concern and fear. Jeremy tried to speak but nothing came out, he had too much to say. ‘I’m sorry,’, ‘Are you ok?’, ‘I didn’t mean to,’, ‘please don’t hate me...’

 

“I-”

 

“Uh-”

 

They both paused to let the other speak, staring awkwardly into one another’s eyes, Jeremy could have almost laughed. He bit the inside of his cheek, anxiously waiting for some kind of anger.

 

Michael broke the eye contact and sighed, “I’m worried about you.” He stated, matter of fact style (Michael style), “You’ve been acting really weird recently, and you started actually screaming and hitting when i picked you up,” Jeremy could feel a twinge of regret in his stomach “i mean, yeah, I probably should’ve warned you but, I’ve picked you up before and it was fine and you said some scary shit dude.” 

 

Before he knew it, the tears were back, sliding down his face. Jeremy couldn’t stop himself from going back to crying. He hurt Michael, really, actually hurt him, and he didn't know if he was relieved or terrified that he had no memory of what he said, just noise. There was so, so much noise. And now there was so much to say, but Jeremy, in his exhausted and delirious state could only muster,

 

“I-I’m s-sorry” because he was. 

 

Michael just looked at him sympathetically. 

 

“I-Is your n-neck ok?” 

 

“Who gives a shit about my neck Jere?” Jeremy sure did for one. He. Had. Hurt. Him. “What happened with Chloe?” 

  
  


What.

  
  


“What?...” Jeremy went silent and his breathing became short and shallow, he couldn’t look at Michael. He felt faint.

 

“What happened at the Party with Chloe? What was she apologizing for? What did she do? Why did you scream her name when you were freaking out?” 

 

Jeremy couldn’t think of the right thing to say because everything here was completely wrong. He came here for help. Why couldn’t he just say ‘she hurt me, and i don't know how to deal with it’. That was the truth, he was hurting so much, all the time, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. You can’t fix something that broken. It wasn’t even just Chloe and what happened with her, it was everything. It was the squip, it was Chloe, it was the guilt. The fucking guilt. He had already cried far too much but somehow he had more left. If he pinned all his problems on Chloe, what would happen to her? He had to say  **something** ...

  
“I-it wa-asnt h-her f-fault it wasn't w-hy n-no i-it wasn't s-she d-didn't me-an to I s-she d-idnt it p-please l-leave her alone she I um I d-ont-” Jeremy’s stuttering became near debilitating and his voice quavered. His own words were suffocating him. “P-please please s-she didnt know ok? S-she d-didnt me-an to-

 

“-JEREMY.” Michael cut him off, grabbing Jeremy’s hands, “What. Happened.”

 

Jeremy took in a long, shaky breath, and then let it out. Say it. Just tell him what happened. 

 

“S-she…” He was interrupted by his own sniffling, “... She t-told me it was Brooke,” Jeremy had to fight through sobs to say anything, to the point where he was practically screaming just to get the words out. “ and s-she took me upstairs a-and i-i i c-couldn't move an- I…Ii s-said n-no but i c-ouldn’t… n-nothing happened b-but-” the words couldn’t get out anymore, they were completely blocked. Tears racked his body and he devolved into a blubbering mess, sitting there in his own little hell, reliving the moment. Michael let go of his hands, leaving them cold and empty. He probably thought Jeremy was gross, who would actually want to touch him after hearing that? The blanket suddenly fell around Jeremy’s shoulders, Michael wordlessly joined him underneath it and hugged him. Jeremy tensed in a moment of panic, but then relaxed and went limp in his friend’s arms. It was so warm, and safe. They stayed in that position long after Jeremy stopped crying, in the end, Jeremy was the one who pulled away. He wiped his eyes and glanced over to Michael only to see the same shiny tear tracks there too. They sat next to each other in silence. Jeremy fiddled with the hem of his shirt while Michael just kept staring at him. Both of them needed to process what had just happened. Jeremy had finally said it out loud, it felt like part of the weight on his shoulders lifted, part of it. His stomach was still doing flips. He went over what he had said, Chloe sounded like some monster. She wasn’t, she really wasn’t. What she did was not ok but Chloe was a person and she was Jeremy’s friend. He couldn’t just let that idea sit there. Looking over at the both sad and infuriated look on Michael’s face and how he was gripping the couch hard enough to rip the fabric, Jeremy knew he needed to say something, anything.

 

“I-it’s not her fault-”

 

Michael practically exploded, “-YES IT IS. IT IS HER FAULT YOU ARE LIKE THIS, IT IS HER FAULT SHE DID WHAT SHE DID. NO ONE ELSE’S.”  

 

Jeremy flinched away, making Michael soften. 

 

“...Sorry… It’s just like, you shouldn’t be able to get away with stuff like that, you didn’t deserve it..” He muttered through gritted teeth.

 

“...I don’t think it’s ok-”

 

“-That’s not what I-”

 

“-but it’s my choice to forgive her or not. I-It happened to me.” Jeremy’s voice was quiet and worn out, but he continued speaking, “She’s already sad enough, she’s apologised so much Micha.”

 

“Words are nothing Jeremy,” Michael emphasised his words with his hands,”you need to back it up with evidence. Sure she says she’s sorry but what happens the next time she’s drunk and she-...she… does it again…” Jeremy could see Michael consider his words before deciding, fuck it, “... and what if it's you?” 

 

Jeremy picked and fiddled with his fingers as let the words, “There’s evidence.” fall out of his mouth, barely a whisper.

 

“...like what?” 

 

“Like…… like her!” Jeremy turned around to Michael with fire and a resolute look in his eyes, “Have you even spoken to her recently? She’s kind and she’s thoughtful and friendly! And what she’s done doesn’t change the fact that she’s different now, and that I forgive her. I’m the one it happened to. Not everyone who does something like that gets better but she did. If I forgive her so what does it matter what you think about it?”

 

Michael looked away, staring off at the wall, then to his hands, then to the door, then back at Jeremy. He looked uncomfortable and doubtful, Jeremy tried to give him a quick, reassuring smile. 

 

“Are you sure you're alright?” 

 

“Well, no i-im not, but I still don’t hate her.” Jeremy started hopefully at Michael.

Michael rubbed his face and let out a dry, half hearted chuckle. He looked back up to make eye contact with Jeremy.

  
“Fine, whatever you say, Heere.” He finally smiled back, weakly, “But if she ever does anything to you again you know I'm gonna brutally murder her in her sleep, right?”

 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from my favourite person.” Jeremy joked in a mocking tone.

 

“Ha ha, I love you too, no hetero though.” They both started giggling, which then turned into laughing which then turned into hugging and crying and laughing. Jeremy decided to stay overnight, they spent the whole time playing video games and casually gossiping about their friends, and Jeremy was happy.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)


End file.
